Perspective Is Everything

On a regular basis, I wear so many different hats:

• woman
• wife
• stay-at-home mom
• sister
• daughter
• aunt
• friend
• writer
• poet
• learning coach
• animal lover
• photographer
• artist
• believer
• thinker
• dreamer
• helpless romantic
• music lover
• cook
• maid
• confidante
• nerd
• protector
• book fanatic
• chocoholic
• couch potato
• nature lover
• gardener
• bleeding heart
• puzzle addict
• fibro warrior

The list really goes on and on. But the titles I hate most are perfectionist and overachiever. The previous list is a long one, and my plate is usually overflowing with a towering heap of these roles and interests. However, no matter how much I accomplish, the perfectionist/overachiever side of me points out everything I did wrong and didn’t finish. It is relentless!

I am currently sick--again--so my house is messy and needs a good cleaning. My chronic illness, fibromyalgia, puts a damper on my career ambitions, making it impossible to work a traditional job outside my home right now. Oh, and I can’t forget that I don’t get to do many fun things with my kids anymore. Lists of my flaws, shortcomings, disappointments, and failures could fill my entire home many times over.

Nevertheless, none of that matters. What matters is how hard I try every day to be the best person I can be. My house may be messy right now, but even with a head cold that makes me dizzy, I’ve managed to put dents in the mess throughout my home. Fibromyalgia may be trying to ruin my career, but it helped give me the courage to strike out and reach for my writing dreams. Plus, it gives me a new way to help and reach people. Oh, and as for my time with the kiddos, they still know I love them. We have many wonderful memories to cherish, and we are still making more each day.

Life may get easier. It may not. But either way, if I focus on what I CAN do and do my best always, I know I’ll be able to look back one day without any regrets. I can only accomplish what is within my current limitations, and I need to forgive myself when I can’t do it all. There is always tomorrow for anything that is left over on my daily to-do list.

If you are struggling with this issues, as well, I encourage you to focus on your abilities only. Try to let everything else roll away. No matter what anyone else says, you are NOT lazy and you DO accomplish enough. A chronic illness is a full-time job, and everything else must fit around that (just as any other person with long work hours). Please, remember that your health should always come first!

© Amanda R. Dollak 2013

My Health Is a Priority, Too!

After a week of taking my vitamins and supplements again, I'm feeling a lot more like my happy self.  No, I'm not pain free and super energetic.  I may never be.  But it is wonderful to be back to my functioning norm again!

My accidental self-imposed flare (because I kept forgetting my vitamins) has reminded me of how often we neglect our own health.  We rush through life trying to take care of our loved ones and to provide for our families.  We are so busy rushing from here to there and back again that we forget one important person: ourselves!

Now, I'm not saying it is time to get all selfish and think of only numero uno.  That wouldn't be a healthy way to live either.  However, it IS healthy, good, and advisable to think of our wellbeing, too, in the midst of daily life.  In the end, what it comes down to is if we aren't going to take care of ourselves, how will we take care of our others and provide for them?

I know it is a hard thing to grasp.  There is so much to accomplish in a single day already, so how can we make some time for ourselves?  Or we have convinced ourselves that it is okay to sacrifice now because we can rest later, after things quiet down.  Or we may tell ourselves that it's selfish to think of ourselves when other people need us.

Regardless of what excuses we conjure up, our health and wellbeing are and should be important to us. Our bodies are quite fragile.  They can only handle so much abuse and neglect before they start to break down.  I learned this difficult lesson a few years ago.

I am living with severe fibromyalgia constantly because (I believe) I disregarded the warnings my body was blaring and pushed myself too far for too long.  I had fibro symptoms most of my life, but never this severe or constant.  If I overextended myself here or got a little too physical there, I felt it.  But within weeks, the worst was behind me again.  I can pinpoint the onset of this constant fibro flare to August 2008, right after I graduated college.  And up until last year, my symptoms were steadily getting worse.

Since I began taking better care of myself (although I still have much to learn, obviously), I have constant pain and fatigue, but the severe levels come and go.  No longer am I bedridden.  No longer am I stuck in my house all the time because of pain and overwhelming anxiety attacks.  Those days are gone, and I plan to NEVER allow them to come back!

The biggest turning point in my life with fibromyalgia was the day I gave myself permission to think of myself and to take time out just for me every day.  I don’t always follow through on that permission. Sometimes I forget.  Other times I still feel guilty.  And once in a while, I get so frustrated with my body that I give up on myself for a spell.  However, each and every time, I come back fighting harder for the things that help me be healthier and happier with fibro.  And that, my friends, is all that matters in our daily battle with chronic illness.

© Amanda R. Dollak 2013

Wordless Wednesday: Trick or Treat!

May your Halloween have lots of treats & few fibro tricks!

Wordless Wednesday: For You, My Fibro Warriors!

Happy Wednesday, everyone!

Fitness Does Not Have to Be Futile with Fibromyalgia

October 27th will mark my 2-month anniversary of scheduling morning walks at least every week day. In the process, I gained 6 pounds and then went back to my starting weight. I’ve questioned my sanity. I’ve wondered if it is all worth it. I’ve struggled with my self-doubts and wrestled with my fibromyalgia. I celebrated my triumphant first run in at least 5 years. And I continue to be frustrated that the scale simply won’t budge!

Still, I’m NOT giving up! I refuse to let my fibro and extra pounds defeat me. I know in my heart I’m making progress and that is ALL that matters. I am experiencing spurts of energy like I haven’t known in ages. Yeah, I still get exhausted from my walks, but they don’t kill me anymore. Plus, I can now do a hilly 25-minute mile. Nothing fancy or noteworthy for the normal person. However, for this fibro warrior, who couldn’t even make it around the block the majority of the time when I first started, that is reason to celebrate, indeed!

Oh, and take a nice long look at the photo accompanying this post. At the beginning of my fitness challenge, I filled every inch of those jeans. The scale may insist that nothing is happening, but clothing doesn’t lie. My eyes and measurements don’t lie either. My stomach is slowly shrinking. My thighs and hips are tightening. My rear end is lifting. My poor bust is shrinking (but I know eventually it’ll all even out again!). So, who cares if I weigh the same yet? Not me!

I know I am building a solid foundation for future health and weight loss. I’m bringing back my muscles. I’m recreating the first real determination and consistency with fitness since fibromyalgia hijacked my life. And little by little, I’m reminding myself I still have it in me to be fit and healthy even with chronic illness in the mix.

What are you doing this month to reclaim your fitness and health?

Wordless Wednesday: It Is a New Month

Photo Copyright 2013 Amanda R. Dollak

It's a new month!  What steps are you taking in October towards being fibro and fancy free?

Brain Crashing in 10...9...8...

My brain will be crashing in 10...9...8...better make a mad dash under the covers! Even though I was having a great time tonight writing blog posts and working on a compilation of short stories, I’m on my way out, folks. My fibromyalgia was acting up with severe itchiness over my entire body--like it likes to do every now and then. I was forced to take two pills of Benadryl, and that stuff always throws me for a loop!

I’m seeing every color of the rainbow. My eyes are trying to wander off in different directions. I can’t even type the right keys because I can’t concentrate. Oh, and don’t get me started about how my head is buzzing like I drank WAY too much tequila.

I’m trying to push through it a tad bit longer so I can wrote a little old post stating that I’m thinking of and praying for all my fibro warriors tonight. My road is horrible right now. My symptoms are on a major flare up because I’ve already overworked myself and it barely is Thursday.

My friends, may the rest of your week be fruitful but still allow you rest. May your happiness be plenty and your symptoms few. May your body act as strong as I know you are in spirit. And may life surround you with blessings from above. Take care, everyone, and keep fighting the good fight!

I Ran Today!

Ok, break out the banners and balloons. Unleash the confetti and white doves. And cue the band for some awesome celebratory tunes...and don’t forget to clap your hands off, people. I ran today! No, it wasn’t a dream. I was wide awake, running on the two excruciatingly sensitive balls of nerves that fibromyalgia has made out of my once fit and active legs!

I am tempted to overdose this post with excessive exclamation points because on my darkest days, I assumed that my running days were over. Since some days I can’t even walk, a part of me convinced myself that I would never run again...except for in my dreams. But after 25 days of walking at least a half of a mile every weekday, I finally ran again!

It WAS for only about 4 minutes. I DID have to stop twice for a few seconds. It WAS on a slightly downhill part of my walk and gravity helped. And I DID feel like I was going to vomit and faint at the same time. However, I didn’t vomit OR faint, and I successfully hobbled back home beaming!

I doubt I’ll be winning any races anytime soon since my 11-pound dog and my 7-year-old son were beating me down the hill. But I ran! Yes, I ran for the first time in about 5 years!!! Can you feel my excitement and accomplishment I’m feeling here yet?

When chronic illness takes over our lives--especially when chronic pain is involved--it’s so hard trying to find a balance that works. Our minds want to live like we used to and mourn the days gone by. The illness strives to make us crash and burn, trying to convince us life is over. Consequently, our bodies are stuck in a kind of tug-o-war, violently turn back and forth between our mind and our chronic illness. If we focus too much on life before our illness, we will only run ourselves into the ground trying to be something that we aren’t anymore. On the other hand, if we focus too much on our health problems, we will be left wondering why life is still worth living.

Ultimately, it comes down to determination, moderation, and baby steps. Instead of focusing on what we used to do or what we no longer can do, we need to focus on what we CAN do right this very moment and make little goals to challenge us a bit further at a slow and steady pace. When I decided that I was going to add a little walking each weekday morning into my schedule I never imagined that I would be able to run today. Instead, my goal was to make it around the block in my neighborhood each weekday. I wasn’t concerned with how fast I was going or how many breaks it took me to make it around the block. I simply wanted to make it around the block Monday through Friday to increase my physical activity and to build up the strength and stamina in my legs. And I did that...and so much more!

If you are out there struggling in your life (like I and so many chronic illness sufferers are every day), please don’t give up. Our roads are not the same, but I understand so well that the journey with chronic illness is a hard one. Still, we canNOT allow our health problems to win! Even if our daily successes are tiny (i.e., getting out of bed, making dinner, washing laundry), they are still victories in our war against chronic illness and they should be celebrated! I know it’s so easy to only see our failures and inabilities. I do it so often with myself. But join me in taking a moment each day to reflect on the victories and to focus on the blessings in our lives. Then we can go to bed each night knowing that we fought the good fight, gave it our all, and are determined to wake up and do it all over again...no matter what. Stay strong and determined, my friends! I am always praying for you.

Weight Loss: Sometimes a Gain Is a Gain

This morning I entered my new weight on my MyFitnessPal profile.  I have been putting it off this week because when I stepped on the scale Tuesday, not only did I gain back the 2 lbs. I have lost so far, but I also gained 4 more lbs. since my renewed fitness starting point.  This was a blow to me because for almost 2 weeks now, I have been walking a half of a mile every weekday with my son and our dog, Honey Bear.

I have cut my time from an hour to as little as 20 minutes for this distance.  Walking doesn't hurt me nearly as much as it did at the beginning (at least, usually).  I can swear I see a difference in my thighs and hips already.  And my jeans are definitely looser in the front.  So, to see the number go up so far in so little time was shocking to say the least!

However, I have decided that sometimes a gain IS a gain with weight loss.  (1) I have proven to myself that when I put my mind to something, fibromyalgia can't stop me.  There were some hard days...and I know there are going to be plenty more.  Sometimes, I creep back a lot closer to needing an entire hour to walk a half of a mile.  Sometimes, I'm tempted to give up.  But I've decided that weight loss is an important step towards reclaiming my life.  As long as I remember this, fibro may slow me down, but I CAN do this!

(2) My mobility has improved already since I started walking regularly again.  Yes, I still get terrible leg pain and muscle spasms.  No, I won't be running or skipping any time soon.  Still, my balance and coordination are a little better, and I seem to be having less issues with my lower body.  It would appear my legs and feet don't get painful and achy as quickly now.

(3) I may have gained 6 lbs.in almost 2 weeks, but I'm definitely seeing some change in my thighs and hips.  I won't even pretend to understand what is going on with my body right now, but if I must gain a few pounds to start seeing some slimming, I'm all for it!  Who am I to argue with progress, even if it is disguised as a defeat?

Writing Poetry Helps My Fibromyaliga

Dealing with fibromyalgia on a daily basis is messy business! It can be maddening and infuriating. Your friends and loved ones often doubt you and hardly understand what you are going through. Sometimes, you even doubt yourself or have a difficult time understanding this chaotic condition (even though you deal with it firsthand all the time).

It can be lonely and full of grief. Fibromyalgia can leave you mourning friendships, intimate relationships, and careers, which were once the center of your life. Your inability to be as mobile, energetic, and available robs you of people and things you love. Before you know it, you wake up and find your life is now a shadow of the full and robust existence it used to be.

And it can be overwhelming and stressful. During a fibro flare, even the smallest of problems and obstacles can seem insurmountable. Because your symptoms require so much extra time and fibromyalgia leaves you forever exhausted, you are always feeling pressed for time--as though you are running weeks, months, or even years behind. Even the smallest of task can be impossible on bad days.

Fibromyalgia can create so many negative and strong emotions, so it is imperative to find a way to purge yourself of all this emotional turmoil on a regular basis. One of my favorite outlets for my fibro’s emotional baggage is writing poetry. Composing all the words and lines gives me a constructive way to purge myself of the negativity that loves to haunt me. In my poems, I may start out dark and dismal, but by the end, I find hope and strength again. I feels amazing to work that all out on paper!

I also love writing poetry about my fibromyalgia because my finished poems serve as permanent reminders of how I’ve wrestled with my chronic illness and still always manage to end up on top. By writing down the little insights and encouragement I find while composing my poems, I can ensure I will have more positive insights to fall back on during future setbacks and bad days. Ultimately, writing poetry is a wonderful way to cope with fibromyalgia now AND in the future.

What helps you to cope with your chronic illness?

Check out my latest fibromyalgia-inspired poem here.

Weather Woes

My poor body is in total shock. It has been sunburned, then frozen, then soaked, and finally roasted--all within a matter of two weeks. (And now it looks like it will have to deal with scattered thunderstorms again for the next few days.) The weather has been completely bipolar this month, and my body is suffering.

As many of you may already know from experience, fibromyalgia doesn’t like extreme weather. And it especially hates sudden and drastic changes in weather. These changes make the body severely sore, stiff, and unable to regulate its body temperature. And the worst part is weather is a fibro trigger that we can’t do much of anything about.

You may argue that we can always move to a more tolerable climate or simply stay in the house. However, weather can be pretty unpredictable anywhere you go. And hiding indoors does little to silence the chaos outside our door.

In the end, we are forced to muddle through the best we can. When we experience a weather flare we should try to get plenty of rest. Also, stocking up on anything that helps soothe our flared symptoms is a must. Finally, we can’t allow ourselves to do too much. Pushing ourselves when we are already under a lot of strain from the weather will only makes things worse. Using common sense and pacing ourselves during these difficult times could be the difference between a flare that lasts only days to one that goes on and on for weeks.

Which one would you prefer? I, for one, would much rather spend as little time laid up as possible. Because of this, I’ve learned to listen to my body and only do what it is capable of doing at the moment. If it says to sleep, I sleep. If it tells me that I’m pushing myself too hard, I take a break and later return at a much slower pace. Ultimately, we must all learn to listen to our bodies. That, my friends, is the best treatment we can prescribe for ourselves!

Sometimes I Run...Sometimes I Crawl

Hiking with my children

The normal progress of life is you learn to crawl as an infant. Then, you gradually learn to walk as a toddler. Finally, as you continue to grow, you gain the balance, strength, and agility to run. This progress leaves you with the mobility needed for the prime of your life. However, life doesn’t always like to follow the rules and it is filled with exceptions.

I am an exception. I’m 29 years old, but sometimes I still have to crawl: literally and metaphorically. As some of you may know from reading my past posts, I now realize I probably have had fibromyalgia since I was a young child. I never felt quite ‘normal’ and wasn’t as energetic or resilient as most kids. I was frequently sick and had many aches and pains. But through it all, I still managed to live an active and full life…until four years ago.

Four years ago, fibromyalgia crept in and became a permanent resident in my life. No longer was it content to come and go. It wanted to hijack my life and try to steal it away from me. For about a year, I allowed it to do just that. I was so exhausted, overwhelmed, and filled with pain that I stayed in bed much of each day. Of course, I still wanted to get better and I tried everything I could think of to treat my symptoms and figure out what was wrong. However, I virtually gave up on everything else in my life. Essentially, I had two things left: motherhood and my mystery illness. All else was stolen away from me.

Now that I’ve grown wiser and more accustomed to life with a chronic illness, I know now I cannot allow fibromyalgia to leave me in such a sad and unbalanced state. I must be a mother, and I must cope with my condition. But I also must be a daughter, a sister, a friend, and (soon) a wife. I must do what I love, set goals, find purpose, and enjoy the simple things in this world. I must hope, dream, believe, aspire, and grow. Sometimes I may run towards my future. Other times, I may crawl at such a slow pace that some may think I’m not moving at all.

Regardless of my speed, I must always be actively living this life. Life is far too short and fleeting to sit around waiting for things to change or to feel sorry for ourselves. Instead, we should be embracing the present and living right now the life we so desire…before the chance passes away!

A to Z April Blogging Challenge Reflections

With chronic illness looming over our heads every day, it is so easy to go into survival mode. All we start caring about is making it through one more day, hour, or even minute. Our main purpose in life becomes trying to find relief for our symptoms and a way to cope. In reality, though, if we allow ourselves to remain in survival mode, we actually cease to live. We forget to laugh, enjoy, and dream. We forget that life has a purpose and that we have an obligation to discover that purpose.

The A to Z April Blogging Challenge has helped me realize that I have been losing faith in my future and in my dreams. Fibromyalgia hijacked my life over 4 years ago, and a part of me is still there. I am still in shock that I am now disabled. I am still left wondering what is left for me since my body no longer can handle even everyday chores at times. And a part of me is too afraid to dream and hope for a better tomorrow again.

I guess I had assumed that if I rested and did this or that that I’d get a handle on my fibromyalgia and I could go back to living again. I had assumed that once my symptoms were more under control, I could go back to finish my education, start my criminal justice career, and pursue my writing dreams. But for whatever reason, my fibromyalgia is still going strong—and unwittingly, I’ve allowed it to convince me that my dreams are no longer valid.

Well, the 2013 A to Z Challenge has given me an addictive taste of freedom. I may be a prisoner in my body at times and fibro fog may interfere with my mind, but I am meant for more than this. I am meant to dream. I am meant to imagine. I am meant to share my thoughts and ideas. I am meant to stay true to myself and to write to my heart’s content.

From now on, I promise myself to not allow my chronic illness to sabotage my dreams and deepest desires. I long to write every day and that’s what I plan to do. Some days I might only manage a few minutes, but I won’t allow my fibromyalgia to steal another part of my life away. This is my life. No matter how much I hurt or how fatigued I become, I choose to actively live it.

Will you join me today and tell your chronic illness that enough is enough? Will you once again dream with me and embrace again the things that you love? Chronic illness may have changed the way we must live, but let us never again allow it to keep us from living!

W...Why Me?

At times, I swear I have much more than my fair share of problems and bad luck. If I sat down and wrote my life’s story so far, I’m sure people would insist it was fiction or accuse me of lying. The truth is I have been through some of the worst things this world can conjure up, and now I am stuck in a daily battle with my body because of fibromyalgia. It’s hard for me to not struggle with the why-me’s at times. I’d be lying if I said that I always have faith that God has a plan and somehow will work this into something good. Yes, sometimes I wonder whether He has forgotten about me in all my troubles.

Since we are mere humans and thus can’t see the big picture, it is so easy to wonder why God is allowing us to endure so much pain and suffering. If He is such a loving God, why do we have to hurt so much? And what is the purpose of all this pain? Why us? Why does anyone have deal with fibromyalgia and other painful chronic illnesses at all? Where is the sense in all of this?

Oh, how I wish I knew! My faith in God’s good nature and my pain, which sometimes tries to steal my sanity, battle inside my heart and mind. I once had people tell me that I am suffering so much because I must have done a severe wrong against God. In their mind, God doesn’t allow pain unless He is punishing us for something. And they reasoned that if only I would confess and repent, my pain would miraculously go away. 

At first, I half wondered about this myself. I’m no saint. I’ve done plenty of things I’m not proud of, and there are even a few things that bring me shame. But really, could I be guilty of something so bad that God would choose to punish me with such continuous pain for over 4 years now? I don’t think so. I try my best every day to do what is right, and I really think that that is all that matters to God. Besides, I have a feeling He is far quicker to forgive me than I am ever able to forgive myself.

I have come to the conclusion that I don’t have the faintest idea why I must endure fibromyalgia, and I may never know. But I made the decision to trust in God and to live the life I’ve been given to the fullest. It isn’t the perfect life. In fact, it’s not even a normal life. But I’m thankful for the chance to still live and choose to cherish every moment that I can. Focusing on the why-me’s and what-ifs is really pointless. It only rob me of more happiness and more of my life. Fibro has limited me enough, so why should I box myself in even further with such negativity? Why should I add to the damage it has already caused?

V...Verbal Venting

Since chronic illness involves so much negativity and feelings of frustration, anger, and grief, it is very important that we find a constructive way to vent. If we go through life pretending that everything is fine or that each day isn’t a battle, we’re setting ourselves up for more problems or even a meltdown. Trying to contain all the negativity and emotional baggage is unhealthy. And eventually you’ll explode because one way or another, your body knows it needs to purge itself to survive.

Unfortunately, though, inappropriate venting endangers our relationships and may actually spawn more negativity. If all we’re talking about is how bad we feel, how much we resent our illness, and how difficult life has become, no one will eventually want to be around us. Focusing too much on how badly our chronic illness has affected our lives will only leave us bitter, angry, and alone one day.

Because of this, we must find a balance. We must discover healthy and beneficial ways to vent. First, we must remember that it is good to verbally discuss our problems with close friends and family members. We need to remember, though, we shouldn’t use this as our only means of venting. When we find that our chronic illness is the subject of even half of our conversations with loved ones it is very unhealthy and is endangering our relationships.

That is why I have come up with some other useful ways to vent about my fibromyalgia. One wonderful way of purging myself of my chronic illness baggage is my personal journal. I created an online journal simply for jotting down my most negative thoughts, feelings, and fears. When I feel overwhelmed, like my life is spinning out of control and I can’t take it anymore, I sit down and write it all out in my journal. Then, I close the entry down and never revisit it again. This allows me to discard the negativity and push forward with my life.

Another constructive way I decided to deal with my illness was to create this blog. One of my biggest desires is to make a difference and to be there to support others with chronic illnesses. So when I come here I may feel discouraged and hopeless at first. However, after starting a new blog post, I find I can’t stay negative for very long. My desire to uplift and support my fellow chronic illness warriors always wins. 

There are many ways that we can rid ourselves of the negativity buildup. Exercise, yoga, volunteer work, arts and crafts, and music can renew our sense of purpose and accomplishment. Basically, if we do the things that make us happy, there will be no room for all the negativity. A happy, content mind isn’t fertile ground for all the darker things in life. When negative thoughts and emotions try to invade there won’t be a dark corner for them to fester.

U...Unbreakable, Unshakable, Unstoppable You

Sometimes we get so caught up in how our chronic illness hinders our lives or has harmed us that we can’t see beyond all the negativity. Yes, our health problems have robbed us of so much and make our lives incredibly challenging. But I want you to set that all aside right now and consider how it has inadvertently made you stronger. So many people are ashamed to admit that they suffer from a chronic illness. They are afraid that others will assume that they’re weak and pathetic. In reality, though, chronic illness is never for the weak. Because we must come back fighting every single day, we grow stronger and better in spite of it.

Since I’ve been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I’ve noticed that my strength of will and determination have greatly increased. I decided early on that I wasn’t going to allow a chronic illness to ruin my life. I am far too young and I have too much potential to bow down to fibromyalgia. It would be so much easier to just stay in bed and not push through my symptoms. But what kind of life would that be? I don’t want to go to my grave knowing that I never really gave myself a chance to live.

Fibromyalgia has also made me a more caring and considerate person. With my health problems, I see every day just how difficult life can be and how much pain someone can be in while still looking normal. I can now truly understand other people’s pain and struggles. And now I have the desire, more than ever, to help people, especially those dealing with fibromyalgia and other invisible conditions.

The fact is life with a chronic illness is never going to be fun. We are forever going to wish that we could be well. However, we have a choice whether we will allow it to make us bitter and resentful or we will choose to let it make us a better person. I know it is difficult to focus on the positives in life when you’re constantly in pain. Believe me, I struggle with it as well. But I choose each day to make the most of the life I’ve been given. Sometimes that means taking a timeout, reassessing my reactions and attitudes, and then forcing myself to see beyond the negative. On my better days, this can take little effort. But on my worst days, it can be a constant battle.

Ultimately, it is up to you how much you allow your chronic illness to dictate your life. It may affect you in many ways, physically, mentally, and emotionally. But don’t allow it to steal your entire life. Reach for your dreams. Live hard. And enjoy the blessings of life.

P...Perfectionist Purgatory: Park Your Nitpicking at the Door!

I am a horrible, horrible perfectionist. I love to nitpick and criticize even the smallest of flaws. But most people don’t even realize this because to others, I try my hardest to be caring, forgiving, and lenient with those around me. When it comes to myself, though, I am brutal. I get so angry and frustrated with myself when I make a mistake or can’t meet my standards, which at times, are insanely too high to reach. The worst part is since I now have a chronic illness, I must deal with even more limitations.

To preserve my sanity, I have been slowly retraining my thought processes and expectations. I still have quite a long way to go before I can willingly cut myself as much slack as do with others. Nevertheless, I am happy to see I am not as critical as they used to be. Essentially, it was either do away with the perfectionist or sink myself deeper and deeper into the abyss of fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia is a brutal condition that can create a dangerous cycle that spirals your health more and more out of control. The more you fight it and try to act normally, the more it drains your energy and your life. Only with moderation, understanding, and self-forgiveness can we break the cycle and start reclaiming our lives.

If you were recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia or another chronic illness, I encourage you to leave your inner perfectionist at the door. A chronic medical condition has no room for mentally and emotionally picking yourself apart. I know that old habits die hard, and it isn’t very easy to overcome the negativity. But when you are fighting a battle within yourself you must focus your strength and energy solely on lessening your condition’s hold on your life. With part of your mind constantly nitpicking, criticizing, and insisting that you are worthless, you’ll be fighting two battles: one with your chronic illness and the other with yourself. How far to you really think you will get if you fight against two enemies?

G...God, Faith, and Sanity

Sometimes, I swear the only thing that keeps me sane is my faith in God and my belief that my body and this earth is only temporary. Living with a chronic illness--especially one that involves a lot of pain and other life-altering symptoms--can make life drag on endlessly. Although I want to live a long, happy life, the idea of having to live a lifetime with my fibromyalgia is overwhelming. I’m at a point in my life when I can only take small steps at a time. I can’t look at the whole journey because right now, it seems far too daunting and impossible.

Still, it’s a wonderful idea for us to always keep in mind where we are actually headed. Life is so short and death so unnatural that I’ve always felt there must be something more than this existence here on earth. And as I grew to discover God and His promises, I began to realize that we really are meant for so much more than what we do while in this life.

I still haven’t a clue why God would allow such pain, fatigue, fibro fog, and my other fibro symptoms to affect me to this degree. Yet, I have faith that there is a higher purpose or reason why I have been lead down this difficult road. I would be lying if I said that the why isn’t important to me anymore. It still is because I am only human and would love to understand my plight.

Despite this, I have come to realize that even though I don’t know the why, I DO know what God generally wants me to do with my fibromyalgia-ridden life. Even though I am plagued by chronic illness, it is still my duty to (1) love the people around me, to (2) give openly and freely to those in need, and to (3) remind others that even in their darkest moments, God still is there.

A few months after fibromyalgia started taking over my life, I realized that I couldn’t let my condition make me bitter or selfish. Even though the days of pain and discomfort seem to stretch on for eternity, this life is very short, and I should be preparing for the life after this. No one really knows exactly what lies at the other side of death. All I know is I want to leave this earth knowing that I lived well, loved harder, and left a positive mark on the world.

E...Every Day Is a New Beginning

Once upon a time, I used to get all bent out of shape because of the little mistakes and failures in my life. When my fibromyalgia became a regular presence in my life, though, these little mistakes and failures started getting bigger and more frequent. When you have a chronic illness that torments you with pain, fatigue, and brain fog a lot of the time there is no way you are going to get everything done and not screw up from time to time. That was an extremely hard lesson for me to learn!

I was so used to being a super mom, a multitasking extraordinaire. I almost never forgot anything, my house was spotless when I went to sleep, and I got an extreme amount of things done daily. I always thought that I could slow down and enjoy life better when I pushed through the hardest part of my life (college during single motherhood). Well, whether I like it or not, my fibromyalgia is making me slow down and enjoy life a little.

I am much more forgiving of myself now. My inner perfectionist still lurks around, but I’ve learned to see every day as a new beginning. If I have a bad flare-up day and can hardly get anything done, I set aside all my frustration, self-anger, stress, and disappointment before I go to bed every night. Then I start fresh the next day and try to make the most of the new chance I have been given.

If you are suffering from a chronic illness like me, which limits your life, I encourage you to forgive yourself of your shortcomings and failures--and forgive yourself again each new day. Your mistakes and disappointments are often not even your fault. You fight so hard every second to make the most of life, but sometimes you just are not physically, mentally, or emotionally able to pull through. But that doesn’t mean you can’t come back tomorrow, next week, or next month and try again. Whether or not you succeed, know that you are amazing and strong just for trying, and coming back to face a defeat again is also a battle won!

D...Doubts, Disappointments, and Deflated Dreams

Chronic illness is a difficult thing to swallow. It can be challenging to treat, usually can’t be cured, and often haunts us until the day we die. Although I try every day to be as positive as possible, I, too, am not immune to the doubts, disappointments, and deflated dreams that chronic illness brings. Just like many of you, I have my low moments, times when I focus a little too much on the negative side of things. I cry over dreams that may never come true. I mourn the loss of the life I once knew. I worry about the days ahead and struggle with doubts that I will ever live a productive life.

Right this very moment I am struggling with my fibromyalgia and the effects it has on my dreams for my writing career. My heart, soul, and mind are overflowing with ideas, inspiration, and determination to reach my goals. Still, my body is weak, and the fibro is winning today. I have so much to write, so much to share, and so much to do. But fibromyalgia has my body so sore and worn that I am typing this with only 3 fingers. The strength and will of my hands left me yesterday because of this enemy within.

In time, I know the blunt of my fibromyalgia will decide to migrate on to another part of my body and most of the strength will return to my hands. It always does. And I will be back to typing fast and easily at my keyboard. In the meantime, I simply need to put the doubts and fears away and to continue pushing through as best I can.

My late father always loved to remind me that defeat doesn’t last very long if we stay strong and never give up. But if we stay down and feel sorry for ourselves for too long, defeat will take root and make it harder and harder for us to throw it off our backs. Some people might call it foolishness or stupidity, but I will keep bouncing right back, no matter how many times my chronic illness knocks me over. Struggling with fibro has gotten me this far. I’m not going to back down now!