It Is A to Z Blogging Challenge Time!

Dear fibro warriors and supporters,

I apologize for my lengthy absence. For the last few months, I’ve had to deal with a horrible flare up--only rivaled by the original flare that sent me seeking answers and help 5 ½ years ago. Blame stress, the incredibly harsh winter, the unpredictability of this debilitating condition, or a combination of all of the above, but I’ve had little strength, energy, or clarity of mind to blog for far too long.

However, I am back and attempting to get back in the saddle again. It is April. It is a new month. Spring has sprung...and with it, a little more of my energy and health. The beginning of April also marks the start of the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

At first, I was reluctant to participate on this challenge for the 3rd year in a row. I’m just beginning to feel more like myself. I am obviously rusty with blogging. And I have plenty of other obligations and responsibilities on my plate already. Still, April only rolls around once a year, and I am always one to seize the day--or in this case, the month--whenever possible. Life is precious. My writing is precious. My relationship with all of you is precious, too.

Consequently, I am pleased to announced that, a day late, I have entered all three of my blogs into the A to Z Challenge again this year. Buckle up and hang on for a grueling but exciting ride. Stop by every day of April (except Sundays) to see if I can blog though fibromyalgia and other related topics from A to Z. Can I do it? Can I write 78 blog posts between my three blogs before the month’s end? Only time will tell!

Health and Happiness to You All,

Amanda

Post © 2014 Amanda R. Dollak. Image Credit: Blogging from A to Z April Challenge

My Health Is a Priority, Too!

After a week of taking my vitamins and supplements again, I'm feeling a lot more like my happy self.  No, I'm not pain free and super energetic.  I may never be.  But it is wonderful to be back to my functioning norm again!

My accidental self-imposed flare (because I kept forgetting my vitamins) has reminded me of how often we neglect our own health.  We rush through life trying to take care of our loved ones and to provide for our families.  We are so busy rushing from here to there and back again that we forget one important person: ourselves!

Now, I'm not saying it is time to get all selfish and think of only numero uno.  That wouldn't be a healthy way to live either.  However, it IS healthy, good, and advisable to think of our wellbeing, too, in the midst of daily life.  In the end, what it comes down to is if we aren't going to take care of ourselves, how will we take care of our others and provide for them?

I know it is a hard thing to grasp.  There is so much to accomplish in a single day already, so how can we make some time for ourselves?  Or we have convinced ourselves that it is okay to sacrifice now because we can rest later, after things quiet down.  Or we may tell ourselves that it's selfish to think of ourselves when other people need us.

Regardless of what excuses we conjure up, our health and wellbeing are and should be important to us. Our bodies are quite fragile.  They can only handle so much abuse and neglect before they start to break down.  I learned this difficult lesson a few years ago.

I am living with severe fibromyalgia constantly because (I believe) I disregarded the warnings my body was blaring and pushed myself too far for too long.  I had fibro symptoms most of my life, but never this severe or constant.  If I overextended myself here or got a little too physical there, I felt it.  But within weeks, the worst was behind me again.  I can pinpoint the onset of this constant fibro flare to August 2008, right after I graduated college.  And up until last year, my symptoms were steadily getting worse.

Since I began taking better care of myself (although I still have much to learn, obviously), I have constant pain and fatigue, but the severe levels come and go.  No longer am I bedridden.  No longer am I stuck in my house all the time because of pain and overwhelming anxiety attacks.  Those days are gone, and I plan to NEVER allow them to come back!

The biggest turning point in my life with fibromyalgia was the day I gave myself permission to think of myself and to take time out just for me every day.  I don’t always follow through on that permission. Sometimes I forget.  Other times I still feel guilty.  And once in a while, I get so frustrated with my body that I give up on myself for a spell.  However, each and every time, I come back fighting harder for the things that help me be healthier and happier with fibro.  And that, my friends, is all that matters in our daily battle with chronic illness.

© Amanda R. Dollak 2013

Fitness Does Not Have to Be Futile with Fibromyalgia

October 27th will mark my 2-month anniversary of scheduling morning walks at least every week day. In the process, I gained 6 pounds and then went back to my starting weight. I’ve questioned my sanity. I’ve wondered if it is all worth it. I’ve struggled with my self-doubts and wrestled with my fibromyalgia. I celebrated my triumphant first run in at least 5 years. And I continue to be frustrated that the scale simply won’t budge!

Still, I’m NOT giving up! I refuse to let my fibro and extra pounds defeat me. I know in my heart I’m making progress and that is ALL that matters. I am experiencing spurts of energy like I haven’t known in ages. Yeah, I still get exhausted from my walks, but they don’t kill me anymore. Plus, I can now do a hilly 25-minute mile. Nothing fancy or noteworthy for the normal person. However, for this fibro warrior, who couldn’t even make it around the block the majority of the time when I first started, that is reason to celebrate, indeed!

Oh, and take a nice long look at the photo accompanying this post. At the beginning of my fitness challenge, I filled every inch of those jeans. The scale may insist that nothing is happening, but clothing doesn’t lie. My eyes and measurements don’t lie either. My stomach is slowly shrinking. My thighs and hips are tightening. My rear end is lifting. My poor bust is shrinking (but I know eventually it’ll all even out again!). So, who cares if I weigh the same yet? Not me!

I know I am building a solid foundation for future health and weight loss. I’m bringing back my muscles. I’m recreating the first real determination and consistency with fitness since fibromyalgia hijacked my life. And little by little, I’m reminding myself I still have it in me to be fit and healthy even with chronic illness in the mix.

What are you doing this month to reclaim your fitness and health?

I Am More Than Just a Number!

Dear 178,

I would sure appreciate it if you said “goodbye” now!  I’ve been stuck with you glaring back at me for over a month now on my scale.  You have scoffed at my improved eating habits.  You have turned your nose to my morning walks on weekdays. You have tried to convince me that all my hard work is in vain.

Well, 178, I have a couple things to tell you before we part company.  (1) You are just a number, pal.  You are a poor excuse for measuring my progress towards a new, healthier me.  The inches that are melting away from me don’t lie.  The increased room in my clothing doesn’t lie.  And my newfound confidence and eagerness don’t lie either.  But you do, and I’m through putting so much importance on you!

(2) You are destined to disappear...it’s just a matter of time.  Poor 178, you don’t realize how soon you are going to become just a memory.  You can’t stick around forever, not with my determination to bring back the body, which I loved and which was so full of energy and health.  You fate is sealed.  Before long, I’ll be shedding you for a leaner, meaner number, and I’ll never once look back.

But don’t take it too personally.  Even the new numbers aren’t going to mean much to me.  My health, my happiness, my existence--they all could never be summed up with a number on a scale.  No matter how big or small that number may be, it will NEVER be me.  And that realization has set me free from your vile control.

I am now free to enjoy life, no matter my weight.  I am free to love myself, regardless of my size.  I am free to embrace being me with gusto.  I am free to throw out the dreaded bathroom scale--and I am seriously considering it this VERY second.

Goodbye, 178.  I won’t miss you...EVER!  You may cling on for dear life a little while longer, but I joined a weight loss challenge this week.  And do you realize what that means?  Yes, I now have even more motivation to leave you in my dust.  So long, 178, and don’t ever bother trying to come back to visit.  You’ll never be able to reach me where I’m going!

Forever NOT Yours,

Amanda

Wordless Wednesday: It Is a New Month

Photo Copyright 2013 Amanda R. Dollak

It's a new month!  What steps are you taking in October towards being fibro and fancy free?

I Got Lost Today

Snapshot from my walk

I got lost today. For a month now, I’ve been taking a morning walk every weekday. I head out each morning from my door and pick one of two paths: a hilly route around my block or a flatter but longer route around the dead-end street above my home. I chose the latter today, which makes this my sixth walk on this route.

It’s a pretty simple route: (1) walk from my house to the intersection. (2) Follow the curving street until it reaches the dead end. (3) Then turn around and retrace my steps back to my house. It’s so simple that I’m sure my dog could walk it on her own.

But anyone with fibromyalgia soon realizes that nothing is ever easy with this debilitating condition. As usual, my 7-year-old son (who I cyber school at home) and I eagerly set off on our morning walk with our family pooch in tow. I noticed immediately that the morning air is getting crisper and the beautiful fall leaves are beginning to adorn the world in all their glory. Fall is my favorite time of the year, so soaking up the many sights, sounds, and smells of autumn is exhilarating. And I was filled with such contentment and happiness this morning…

...until my fibro fog decided to strike with a vengeance! One second, I was admiring the splendor of fall and taking a few snapshots with my cellphone. The next I found myself dizzy, disoriented, and with no idea where I was. For a few split seconds, my surroundings looked completely foreign, and I felt like I was lost!

Believe me, my first reaction was to panic and freak out. My heart started racing. My anxiety suddenly reared its ugly head. I began sweating profusely. And my entire body started trembling.

Catching a glimpse of my son, though, in my confused state, I reminded myself that I really needed to take a deep breath and try to come down. I know from experience the more relaxed I can make myself, the quicker the brain malfunction passes. Plus, I didn’t want to scare my little buddy.

As such, I closed my eyes for a few seconds. I took a few slow and deep breaths. And I pushed all the panic away. As soon as I opened my eyes, everything was back to normal as suddenly as my brain had gone blank. I recognized every house and every tree. I could visualize the way home even without looking behind me. With that realization, I sighed a HUGE sigh of relief. Another one of those horrifying (but far and in between moments--thankfully!) had passed.

My son and I finished our walk with our sweet doggy and continued on with our day like any other. Still, part of me couldn’t help but harbor the notion--just for a fleeting moment--what if one of these colossal brain farts (as my husband calls them) settles in and never fades away? What if I’m stuck in a state of intense confusion for the rest of my life? It’s a frightening thought, indeed!

Yet, I refuse to allow that thought to stay and fester. Ultimately, life is brimming full of what-if’s for everyone. Life is forever opening up new possibilities every second: both good and bad. However, only a handful of them ever happen, so it would be pointless and insane to obsess over the bad things that may happen (or probably will never happen) someday. If we focus too much on the negative possibilities, we’ll miss all the wonderful things that DO happen. Instead of enjoying the here and now, we will be squandering the present by worrying over what possibly won’t ever happen our entire lives. That’s certainly no way to live!

Consequently, my weekday morning walks WILL continue like nothing ever happened. Hey, I may get lost for brief moments from time to time with my fibro-dysfunctioning brain. It’s bound to happen since it’s happened before. But I refuse to allow a distant possibility to sideline me from living my life as fully as I can. Fibromyalgia steals plenty of my precious seconds. I’m not about to freely hand over any more of my life!

Brain Crashing in 10...9...8...

My brain will be crashing in 10...9...8...better make a mad dash under the covers! Even though I was having a great time tonight writing blog posts and working on a compilation of short stories, I’m on my way out, folks. My fibromyalgia was acting up with severe itchiness over my entire body--like it likes to do every now and then. I was forced to take two pills of Benadryl, and that stuff always throws me for a loop!

I’m seeing every color of the rainbow. My eyes are trying to wander off in different directions. I can’t even type the right keys because I can’t concentrate. Oh, and don’t get me started about how my head is buzzing like I drank WAY too much tequila.

I’m trying to push through it a tad bit longer so I can wrote a little old post stating that I’m thinking of and praying for all my fibro warriors tonight. My road is horrible right now. My symptoms are on a major flare up because I’ve already overworked myself and it barely is Thursday.

My friends, may the rest of your week be fruitful but still allow you rest. May your happiness be plenty and your symptoms few. May your body act as strong as I know you are in spirit. And may life surround you with blessings from above. Take care, everyone, and keep fighting the good fight!

I Ran Today!

Ok, break out the banners and balloons. Unleash the confetti and white doves. And cue the band for some awesome celebratory tunes...and don’t forget to clap your hands off, people. I ran today! No, it wasn’t a dream. I was wide awake, running on the two excruciatingly sensitive balls of nerves that fibromyalgia has made out of my once fit and active legs!

I am tempted to overdose this post with excessive exclamation points because on my darkest days, I assumed that my running days were over. Since some days I can’t even walk, a part of me convinced myself that I would never run again...except for in my dreams. But after 25 days of walking at least a half of a mile every weekday, I finally ran again!

It WAS for only about 4 minutes. I DID have to stop twice for a few seconds. It WAS on a slightly downhill part of my walk and gravity helped. And I DID feel like I was going to vomit and faint at the same time. However, I didn’t vomit OR faint, and I successfully hobbled back home beaming!

I doubt I’ll be winning any races anytime soon since my 11-pound dog and my 7-year-old son were beating me down the hill. But I ran! Yes, I ran for the first time in about 5 years!!! Can you feel my excitement and accomplishment I’m feeling here yet?

When chronic illness takes over our lives--especially when chronic pain is involved--it’s so hard trying to find a balance that works. Our minds want to live like we used to and mourn the days gone by. The illness strives to make us crash and burn, trying to convince us life is over. Consequently, our bodies are stuck in a kind of tug-o-war, violently turn back and forth between our mind and our chronic illness. If we focus too much on life before our illness, we will only run ourselves into the ground trying to be something that we aren’t anymore. On the other hand, if we focus too much on our health problems, we will be left wondering why life is still worth living.

Ultimately, it comes down to determination, moderation, and baby steps. Instead of focusing on what we used to do or what we no longer can do, we need to focus on what we CAN do right this very moment and make little goals to challenge us a bit further at a slow and steady pace. When I decided that I was going to add a little walking each weekday morning into my schedule I never imagined that I would be able to run today. Instead, my goal was to make it around the block in my neighborhood each weekday. I wasn’t concerned with how fast I was going or how many breaks it took me to make it around the block. I simply wanted to make it around the block Monday through Friday to increase my physical activity and to build up the strength and stamina in my legs. And I did that...and so much more!

If you are out there struggling in your life (like I and so many chronic illness sufferers are every day), please don’t give up. Our roads are not the same, but I understand so well that the journey with chronic illness is a hard one. Still, we canNOT allow our health problems to win! Even if our daily successes are tiny (i.e., getting out of bed, making dinner, washing laundry), they are still victories in our war against chronic illness and they should be celebrated! I know it’s so easy to only see our failures and inabilities. I do it so often with myself. But join me in taking a moment each day to reflect on the victories and to focus on the blessings in our lives. Then we can go to bed each night knowing that we fought the good fight, gave it our all, and are determined to wake up and do it all over again...no matter what. Stay strong and determined, my friends! I am always praying for you.

A New Week: I Am 6 Pounds Lighter!

Our beach vacation reminded me that I miss walking!

I’m not even going to pretend to understand it, but I weighed myself for the new week and I lost those 6 lbs. that I gained during the first 2 weeks of my weekday walk challenge. That puts me down 2 lbs. from my starting weight. Yay!

Maybe it was because my body was struggling to adjust. Perhaps being on more of a liquid diet this week from dealing with a cold helped. Or maybe my scale was just messing with my head. Regardless of the reasoning behind this gain and now loss, I’m proud of myself. Expect for this past Friday (because it was chilly and rainy and I didn’t want to make my cold worse), I have been dedicated to my goal of walking a half of a mile every weekday morning. Even when my legs got all incredibly sore and cramped up, I pushed through it.

In the end, all the added pain and discomfort is well worth it! If losing weight and getting more fit has a chance of lessening my fibromyalgia symptoms, I am going to be there every morning that I can. This is MY body. It isn’t under fibro domain and never will be. Here is to taking back our bodies and our lives from chronic illness, one baby step at a time!

What are you doing to help ease or reverse some of your chronic illness symptoms? How well are you doing with sticking with it and pushing through the hard days?

Weight Loss: Sometimes a Gain Is a Gain

This morning I entered my new weight on my MyFitnessPal profile.  I have been putting it off this week because when I stepped on the scale Tuesday, not only did I gain back the 2 lbs. I have lost so far, but I also gained 4 more lbs. since my renewed fitness starting point.  This was a blow to me because for almost 2 weeks now, I have been walking a half of a mile every weekday with my son and our dog, Honey Bear.

I have cut my time from an hour to as little as 20 minutes for this distance.  Walking doesn't hurt me nearly as much as it did at the beginning (at least, usually).  I can swear I see a difference in my thighs and hips already.  And my jeans are definitely looser in the front.  So, to see the number go up so far in so little time was shocking to say the least!

However, I have decided that sometimes a gain IS a gain with weight loss.  (1) I have proven to myself that when I put my mind to something, fibromyalgia can't stop me.  There were some hard days...and I know there are going to be plenty more.  Sometimes, I creep back a lot closer to needing an entire hour to walk a half of a mile.  Sometimes, I'm tempted to give up.  But I've decided that weight loss is an important step towards reclaiming my life.  As long as I remember this, fibro may slow me down, but I CAN do this!

(2) My mobility has improved already since I started walking regularly again.  Yes, I still get terrible leg pain and muscle spasms.  No, I won't be running or skipping any time soon.  Still, my balance and coordination are a little better, and I seem to be having less issues with my lower body.  It would appear my legs and feet don't get painful and achy as quickly now.

(3) I may have gained 6 lbs.in almost 2 weeks, but I'm definitely seeing some change in my thighs and hips.  I won't even pretend to understand what is going on with my body right now, but if I must gain a few pounds to start seeing some slimming, I'm all for it!  Who am I to argue with progress, even if it is disguised as a defeat?

If Blogs Were Houseplants...

If blogs were houseplants, I would be in serious trouble!  They would surely be dead by now.  I have been neglecting my blogs lately.  They are shriveling and drying up.  They are crying out desperately for some love and attention.  And I really don’t blame them…

When I started all three of my blogs I didn’t really have a plan.  It was more of an impulse.  I had some ideas.  I live to write.  I wanted some place where I could write whatever inspired me.  And it wouldn’t hurt for me to have some extra writing practice either.  So, I jumped in headfirst, eager to test the waters.

At first, my enthusiasm carried me along.  Sometimes I would go a few days without posting, but I eagerly came running back  I never run out of ideas to write about, so I was convinced that at least three posts per blog per week would be a breeze.

Boy, was I wrong!  I never planned on my son having difficulties in school and needing much more of my attention for the 2012-2013 school year.  I had underestimated how greatly my fibromyalgia affects my concentration and my ability to sit at a desk.  I hadn’t planned on my mom getting married or the week-long vacation that followed.  Oh, and I never realized how insane it can be to plan your own wedding in only three months.

I know, excuses, excuses.  Blogs are a commitment and when we start them we make a promise our readers to keep them up and running.  Still, knowing now where I went wrong from the beginning, I can now make a new beginning and start over fresh.  From now on, I’m going to put regular posts into my schedule, and even if it is only once a week per blog until I get my true blogging legs, at least I can revel in the consistency.

Thank you for understanding and supporting my journey into blogging.  I hope you continue to check back in the coming weeks to see what new posts I have in store.  You never know what new treasures you might find amongst all this blogging dust!

Woohoo, I Lost 2 Pounds This Week!

It appears my hard work and dedication is paying off.  I haven't been perfectly consistent with the recording part, but I certainly have been doing a fine job measuring my food.  Portion control is an important part of weight loss, so I am happy to see I am getting into the habit of measuring out my food.

It is amazing how much food we are actually consuming when we assume it is simply a single serving.  Even my idea of a cup of milk or juice has been way off.  Each time I poured myself a bowl of cereal or a glass of juice, I was actually getting about 1 1/2 servings.  Those extra servings meant extra calories.  And boy, those extra calories can really sneak up on you!

For whatever reasons (i.e., age, fibro, giving birth to two children), my metabolism has drastically changed.  Gone are the days when I could freely eat whatever and how ever much I wanted without gaining an ounce.  I must be more diligent and mindful of every little piece of food or every sip of drink that I consume each day.  Calories go down a lot easier than they ever come back off, so unless I want to continue gaining more weight as I grow older, I must continue to take full responsibility.

Yes, this is a big change for me.  Sometimes, I am uncertain about what would be a healthier food choice.  Right now, I'm hungry most of the day since I've been overeating for so long.  Actually evaluating, measuring, and recording my meals takes up precious time.  However, my life and health are even more precious.  I am worth all this hassle and discomfort.  In time, it will get easier as all of this becomes habit.  And I know as I see more and more weight melt away, it will encourage me to fight even harder for my old body.  Yes, I CAN do this!

I'm Baaaaack...and Better Than Ever!

A Healthy Snack (courtesy my kids)

Hello, my fellow chronic pain warriors. I'm back and better than ever. I apologize for my vacation from blogging. I needed some time away because I had much too many responsibilities on my plate. I needed to help my kids finish cyberschool for the year. My mom got married this month, and I was her maid of honor.

And afterwards, I took my children on their first beach vacation. June has been full of changes and new experiences. I came back from our vacation more revitalized and energetic since I can remember. That feeling is intoxicating to someone like me--someone who suffers every day with extreme fatigue and pain. It left me hungry for more of the relaxation and rest that allowed me to run for the first time in about 5 years. For those few minutes, I felt like my true self again, and I need more!

Consequently, I've decided to make July a personal improvement month. If you've visited before, you might notice the brand new MyFitnessPal badge sitting on the left of this page. I have decided to focus on my diet. I want more than anything to finish losing the weight necessary to bring me back to a healthy BMI. I have had the best of intentions for the last few years, but I haven't always followed through. I lost 20 lbs. in 2012, but then my weight loss stalled.

That's why it is time to shake things up a bit. I need to start taking responsibility for the amount of food I eat and the dietary choices I make. To help me accomplish this, I am going to measure and record my food every day until I reach a healthy weight again. No more pretending my extra helping or extra snack isn't going to hurt. From now on, I'm accountable for each piece of food I put in my mouth!

And I want you all to be a part in my new diet accountability. With this badge, you will be able to track my weight loss. I'm hoping that with all of you watching, I will be more motivated to stick to a healthier diet.

Here's to more days when we all feel like our true selves!

Sometimes I Run...Sometimes I Crawl

Hiking with my children

The normal progress of life is you learn to crawl as an infant. Then, you gradually learn to walk as a toddler. Finally, as you continue to grow, you gain the balance, strength, and agility to run. This progress leaves you with the mobility needed for the prime of your life. However, life doesn’t always like to follow the rules and it is filled with exceptions.

I am an exception. I’m 29 years old, but sometimes I still have to crawl: literally and metaphorically. As some of you may know from reading my past posts, I now realize I probably have had fibromyalgia since I was a young child. I never felt quite ‘normal’ and wasn’t as energetic or resilient as most kids. I was frequently sick and had many aches and pains. But through it all, I still managed to live an active and full life…until four years ago.

Four years ago, fibromyalgia crept in and became a permanent resident in my life. No longer was it content to come and go. It wanted to hijack my life and try to steal it away from me. For about a year, I allowed it to do just that. I was so exhausted, overwhelmed, and filled with pain that I stayed in bed much of each day. Of course, I still wanted to get better and I tried everything I could think of to treat my symptoms and figure out what was wrong. However, I virtually gave up on everything else in my life. Essentially, I had two things left: motherhood and my mystery illness. All else was stolen away from me.

Now that I’ve grown wiser and more accustomed to life with a chronic illness, I know now I cannot allow fibromyalgia to leave me in such a sad and unbalanced state. I must be a mother, and I must cope with my condition. But I also must be a daughter, a sister, a friend, and (soon) a wife. I must do what I love, set goals, find purpose, and enjoy the simple things in this world. I must hope, dream, believe, aspire, and grow. Sometimes I may run towards my future. Other times, I may crawl at such a slow pace that some may think I’m not moving at all.

Regardless of my speed, I must always be actively living this life. Life is far too short and fleeting to sit around waiting for things to change or to feel sorry for ourselves. Instead, we should be embracing the present and living right now the life we so desire…before the chance passes away!

A to Z April Blogging Challenge Reflections

With chronic illness looming over our heads every day, it is so easy to go into survival mode. All we start caring about is making it through one more day, hour, or even minute. Our main purpose in life becomes trying to find relief for our symptoms and a way to cope. In reality, though, if we allow ourselves to remain in survival mode, we actually cease to live. We forget to laugh, enjoy, and dream. We forget that life has a purpose and that we have an obligation to discover that purpose.

The A to Z April Blogging Challenge has helped me realize that I have been losing faith in my future and in my dreams. Fibromyalgia hijacked my life over 4 years ago, and a part of me is still there. I am still in shock that I am now disabled. I am still left wondering what is left for me since my body no longer can handle even everyday chores at times. And a part of me is too afraid to dream and hope for a better tomorrow again.

I guess I had assumed that if I rested and did this or that that I’d get a handle on my fibromyalgia and I could go back to living again. I had assumed that once my symptoms were more under control, I could go back to finish my education, start my criminal justice career, and pursue my writing dreams. But for whatever reason, my fibromyalgia is still going strong—and unwittingly, I’ve allowed it to convince me that my dreams are no longer valid.

Well, the 2013 A to Z Challenge has given me an addictive taste of freedom. I may be a prisoner in my body at times and fibro fog may interfere with my mind, but I am meant for more than this. I am meant to dream. I am meant to imagine. I am meant to share my thoughts and ideas. I am meant to stay true to myself and to write to my heart’s content.

From now on, I promise myself to not allow my chronic illness to sabotage my dreams and deepest desires. I long to write every day and that’s what I plan to do. Some days I might only manage a few minutes, but I won’t allow my fibromyalgia to steal another part of my life away. This is my life. No matter how much I hurt or how fatigued I become, I choose to actively live it.

Will you join me today and tell your chronic illness that enough is enough? Will you once again dream with me and embrace again the things that you love? Chronic illness may have changed the way we must live, but let us never again allow it to keep us from living!

V...Verbal Venting

Since chronic illness involves so much negativity and feelings of frustration, anger, and grief, it is very important that we find a constructive way to vent. If we go through life pretending that everything is fine or that each day isn’t a battle, we’re setting ourselves up for more problems or even a meltdown. Trying to contain all the negativity and emotional baggage is unhealthy. And eventually you’ll explode because one way or another, your body knows it needs to purge itself to survive.

Unfortunately, though, inappropriate venting endangers our relationships and may actually spawn more negativity. If all we’re talking about is how bad we feel, how much we resent our illness, and how difficult life has become, no one will eventually want to be around us. Focusing too much on how badly our chronic illness has affected our lives will only leave us bitter, angry, and alone one day.

Because of this, we must find a balance. We must discover healthy and beneficial ways to vent. First, we must remember that it is good to verbally discuss our problems with close friends and family members. We need to remember, though, we shouldn’t use this as our only means of venting. When we find that our chronic illness is the subject of even half of our conversations with loved ones it is very unhealthy and is endangering our relationships.

That is why I have come up with some other useful ways to vent about my fibromyalgia. One wonderful way of purging myself of my chronic illness baggage is my personal journal. I created an online journal simply for jotting down my most negative thoughts, feelings, and fears. When I feel overwhelmed, like my life is spinning out of control and I can’t take it anymore, I sit down and write it all out in my journal. Then, I close the entry down and never revisit it again. This allows me to discard the negativity and push forward with my life.

Another constructive way I decided to deal with my illness was to create this blog. One of my biggest desires is to make a difference and to be there to support others with chronic illnesses. So when I come here I may feel discouraged and hopeless at first. However, after starting a new blog post, I find I can’t stay negative for very long. My desire to uplift and support my fellow chronic illness warriors always wins. 

There are many ways that we can rid ourselves of the negativity buildup. Exercise, yoga, volunteer work, arts and crafts, and music can renew our sense of purpose and accomplishment. Basically, if we do the things that make us happy, there will be no room for all the negativity. A happy, content mind isn’t fertile ground for all the darker things in life. When negative thoughts and emotions try to invade there won’t be a dark corner for them to fester.

U...Unbreakable, Unshakable, Unstoppable You

Sometimes we get so caught up in how our chronic illness hinders our lives or has harmed us that we can’t see beyond all the negativity. Yes, our health problems have robbed us of so much and make our lives incredibly challenging. But I want you to set that all aside right now and consider how it has inadvertently made you stronger. So many people are ashamed to admit that they suffer from a chronic illness. They are afraid that others will assume that they’re weak and pathetic. In reality, though, chronic illness is never for the weak. Because we must come back fighting every single day, we grow stronger and better in spite of it.

Since I’ve been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I’ve noticed that my strength of will and determination have greatly increased. I decided early on that I wasn’t going to allow a chronic illness to ruin my life. I am far too young and I have too much potential to bow down to fibromyalgia. It would be so much easier to just stay in bed and not push through my symptoms. But what kind of life would that be? I don’t want to go to my grave knowing that I never really gave myself a chance to live.

Fibromyalgia has also made me a more caring and considerate person. With my health problems, I see every day just how difficult life can be and how much pain someone can be in while still looking normal. I can now truly understand other people’s pain and struggles. And now I have the desire, more than ever, to help people, especially those dealing with fibromyalgia and other invisible conditions.

The fact is life with a chronic illness is never going to be fun. We are forever going to wish that we could be well. However, we have a choice whether we will allow it to make us bitter and resentful or we will choose to let it make us a better person. I know it is difficult to focus on the positives in life when you’re constantly in pain. Believe me, I struggle with it as well. But I choose each day to make the most of the life I’ve been given. Sometimes that means taking a timeout, reassessing my reactions and attitudes, and then forcing myself to see beyond the negative. On my better days, this can take little effort. But on my worst days, it can be a constant battle.

Ultimately, it is up to you how much you allow your chronic illness to dictate your life. It may affect you in many ways, physically, mentally, and emotionally. But don’t allow it to steal your entire life. Reach for your dreams. Live hard. And enjoy the blessings of life.

S... Stretch Before You Leap!

One of my favorite things is to go hiking and mountain biking with my fiancé and children. I have been an outdoorsy person since I was a little girl. My parents had the darnedest time getting me to come inside after a sunny summer’s day. Even now I wish I could spend all day, every day outside. My fibromyalgia, though, has put a damper on my active life. And I’ve gotten so frustrated with my body at times because it can keep me from doing what I love.

Yet, anyone who knows me can attest that I don’t give up easily. In fact, you could say I’m pretty stubborn. I don’t take too kindly to being kept from the things I love. And I will go out of my way to find some way around the obstacle. Consequently, I’ll never give in to fibromyalgia.

I still hike and mountain bike. But I have had to learn to make some changes. First, with my fibromyalgia this active, I must pace myself. I can’t go nearly every day like I used to. Fourteen-mile hikes are out of the question now. Secondly, I must always prepare my body. It is vital that I warm up and stretch before I exercise. Otherwise, I’m setting myself up for pulled muscles and painful muscle cramps. I also need to pack a snack and plenty of water. I easily get sick now if I’m hungry or dehydrated. Lastly, I have to pay special attention to my attire. I need comfortable shoes and multiple layers even in warm weather. I can easily get chilled if it turns too shady or windy.

Has your chronic illness interfered with the activities that you love? If so, how have you tried to compensate? What changes have you made so you can still pursue your favorite activities?

P...Perfectionist Purgatory: Park Your Nitpicking at the Door!

I am a horrible, horrible perfectionist. I love to nitpick and criticize even the smallest of flaws. But most people don’t even realize this because to others, I try my hardest to be caring, forgiving, and lenient with those around me. When it comes to myself, though, I am brutal. I get so angry and frustrated with myself when I make a mistake or can’t meet my standards, which at times, are insanely too high to reach. The worst part is since I now have a chronic illness, I must deal with even more limitations.

To preserve my sanity, I have been slowly retraining my thought processes and expectations. I still have quite a long way to go before I can willingly cut myself as much slack as do with others. Nevertheless, I am happy to see I am not as critical as they used to be. Essentially, it was either do away with the perfectionist or sink myself deeper and deeper into the abyss of fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia is a brutal condition that can create a dangerous cycle that spirals your health more and more out of control. The more you fight it and try to act normally, the more it drains your energy and your life. Only with moderation, understanding, and self-forgiveness can we break the cycle and start reclaiming our lives.

If you were recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia or another chronic illness, I encourage you to leave your inner perfectionist at the door. A chronic medical condition has no room for mentally and emotionally picking yourself apart. I know that old habits die hard, and it isn’t very easy to overcome the negativity. But when you are fighting a battle within yourself you must focus your strength and energy solely on lessening your condition’s hold on your life. With part of your mind constantly nitpicking, criticizing, and insisting that you are worthless, you’ll be fighting two battles: one with your chronic illness and the other with yourself. How far to you really think you will get if you fight against two enemies?

O...Older Than Dirt Syndrome

When I was younger I never imagined that I would someday feel like a young person stuck an old person’s body. My great grandfather is an energetic and healthy 93. He lives on his own and still has a pretty active life. I always hoped and sort of assumed that if I took good care of myself I would follow in his footsteps. Little did I know that by the time I would turn 25 years old, fibromyalgia would have me a prisoner in my own body. 

As a child, I used to laugh when my dad would come home from a long day at work and jokingly say that he felt older than dirt. In my little mind, comparing people and dirt was just a silly idea. Plus, dirt has always been here, so how could anyone be older than dirt? Now, though, I can relate to this phrase that my late father was so fond of.

When I am having a fibromyalgia flare my body aches, cramps up, throbs, and stiffens up like I’m at least 90 years old. Even the simplest of tasks like walking, bathing, or getting dressed can be quite a chore. When I wake up on one of these mornings I crawl out of bed and force my stubborn muscles and bones to work again. Even still I often find myself stuck in old lady mode for the rest of the day. I creep and shuffle along, trying my best to make it through my day and to be as productive as possible.

It is so odd to feel incredibly old and decrepit at such a young age. I find myself conflicted because I long to do so many active and fun activities like I used to. But my body is rarely up to it. I don’t know how many pulled muscles, bruises, and headaches I have put myself through trying to act my age. I am working daily to try to reclaim my body and to make it as strong as it possibly can. This is my body. I want it back! However, fighting older than dirt syndrome is easier said than done. It seems as though whenever I push hard in an attempt to get fit, my body pushes back even harder. Although I will never give up, I’ve had to learn to pace myself, to forgive my weaknesses, and to celebrate even the smallest of victories.