Poetry: And Yet Fibro Remains!

This shell of a body,

Which once was fit and strong

And let me soar, oddly

Keeps me trapped all day long:

Limbs are heavy and weak;

Bones cry out from the cold;

Joints and muscles e’er creak...

Making me feel so old!

Skin breaks out in rashes,

And it almost always hurts.

Energy e’er crashes

And returns in small spurts.

Memory is broken,

Many thoughts get mixed up.

Many fears unspoken

In a nightmare closeup.

Anxieties abound;

Doubts have dampened my soul;

Manic anger resounds

As I fight for control!

Head is stuck in a vise

And struggles with migraines.

Mind is filled with ‘advice’,

And yet fibro remains!

© 2013 Amanda R. Dollak

Perspective Is Everything

On a regular basis, I wear so many different hats:

• woman
• wife
• stay-at-home mom
• sister
• daughter
• aunt
• friend
• writer
• poet
• learning coach
• animal lover
• photographer
• artist
• believer
• thinker
• dreamer
• helpless romantic
• music lover
• cook
• maid
• confidante
• nerd
• protector
• book fanatic
• chocoholic
• couch potato
• nature lover
• gardener
• bleeding heart
• puzzle addict
• fibro warrior

The list really goes on and on. But the titles I hate most are perfectionist and overachiever. The previous list is a long one, and my plate is usually overflowing with a towering heap of these roles and interests. However, no matter how much I accomplish, the perfectionist/overachiever side of me points out everything I did wrong and didn’t finish. It is relentless!

I am currently sick--again--so my house is messy and needs a good cleaning. My chronic illness, fibromyalgia, puts a damper on my career ambitions, making it impossible to work a traditional job outside my home right now. Oh, and I can’t forget that I don’t get to do many fun things with my kids anymore. Lists of my flaws, shortcomings, disappointments, and failures could fill my entire home many times over.

Nevertheless, none of that matters. What matters is how hard I try every day to be the best person I can be. My house may be messy right now, but even with a head cold that makes me dizzy, I’ve managed to put dents in the mess throughout my home. Fibromyalgia may be trying to ruin my career, but it helped give me the courage to strike out and reach for my writing dreams. Plus, it gives me a new way to help and reach people. Oh, and as for my time with the kiddos, they still know I love them. We have many wonderful memories to cherish, and we are still making more each day.

Life may get easier. It may not. But either way, if I focus on what I CAN do and do my best always, I know I’ll be able to look back one day without any regrets. I can only accomplish what is within my current limitations, and I need to forgive myself when I can’t do it all. There is always tomorrow for anything that is left over on my daily to-do list.

If you are struggling with this issues, as well, I encourage you to focus on your abilities only. Try to let everything else roll away. No matter what anyone else says, you are NOT lazy and you DO accomplish enough. A chronic illness is a full-time job, and everything else must fit around that (just as any other person with long work hours). Please, remember that your health should always come first!

© Amanda R. Dollak 2013

Writing Poetry Helps My Fibromyaliga

Dealing with fibromyalgia on a daily basis is messy business! It can be maddening and infuriating. Your friends and loved ones often doubt you and hardly understand what you are going through. Sometimes, you even doubt yourself or have a difficult time understanding this chaotic condition (even though you deal with it firsthand all the time).

It can be lonely and full of grief. Fibromyalgia can leave you mourning friendships, intimate relationships, and careers, which were once the center of your life. Your inability to be as mobile, energetic, and available robs you of people and things you love. Before you know it, you wake up and find your life is now a shadow of the full and robust existence it used to be.

And it can be overwhelming and stressful. During a fibro flare, even the smallest of problems and obstacles can seem insurmountable. Because your symptoms require so much extra time and fibromyalgia leaves you forever exhausted, you are always feeling pressed for time--as though you are running weeks, months, or even years behind. Even the smallest of task can be impossible on bad days.

Fibromyalgia can create so many negative and strong emotions, so it is imperative to find a way to purge yourself of all this emotional turmoil on a regular basis. One of my favorite outlets for my fibro’s emotional baggage is writing poetry. Composing all the words and lines gives me a constructive way to purge myself of the negativity that loves to haunt me. In my poems, I may start out dark and dismal, but by the end, I find hope and strength again. I feels amazing to work that all out on paper!

I also love writing poetry about my fibromyalgia because my finished poems serve as permanent reminders of how I’ve wrestled with my chronic illness and still always manage to end up on top. By writing down the little insights and encouragement I find while composing my poems, I can ensure I will have more positive insights to fall back on during future setbacks and bad days. Ultimately, writing poetry is a wonderful way to cope with fibromyalgia now AND in the future.

What helps you to cope with your chronic illness?

Check out my latest fibromyalgia-inspired poem here.

W...Why Me?

At times, I swear I have much more than my fair share of problems and bad luck. If I sat down and wrote my life’s story so far, I’m sure people would insist it was fiction or accuse me of lying. The truth is I have been through some of the worst things this world can conjure up, and now I am stuck in a daily battle with my body because of fibromyalgia. It’s hard for me to not struggle with the why-me’s at times. I’d be lying if I said that I always have faith that God has a plan and somehow will work this into something good. Yes, sometimes I wonder whether He has forgotten about me in all my troubles.

Since we are mere humans and thus can’t see the big picture, it is so easy to wonder why God is allowing us to endure so much pain and suffering. If He is such a loving God, why do we have to hurt so much? And what is the purpose of all this pain? Why us? Why does anyone have deal with fibromyalgia and other painful chronic illnesses at all? Where is the sense in all of this?

Oh, how I wish I knew! My faith in God’s good nature and my pain, which sometimes tries to steal my sanity, battle inside my heart and mind. I once had people tell me that I am suffering so much because I must have done a severe wrong against God. In their mind, God doesn’t allow pain unless He is punishing us for something. And they reasoned that if only I would confess and repent, my pain would miraculously go away. 

At first, I half wondered about this myself. I’m no saint. I’ve done plenty of things I’m not proud of, and there are even a few things that bring me shame. But really, could I be guilty of something so bad that God would choose to punish me with such continuous pain for over 4 years now? I don’t think so. I try my best every day to do what is right, and I really think that that is all that matters to God. Besides, I have a feeling He is far quicker to forgive me than I am ever able to forgive myself.

I have come to the conclusion that I don’t have the faintest idea why I must endure fibromyalgia, and I may never know. But I made the decision to trust in God and to live the life I’ve been given to the fullest. It isn’t the perfect life. In fact, it’s not even a normal life. But I’m thankful for the chance to still live and choose to cherish every moment that I can. Focusing on the why-me’s and what-ifs is really pointless. It only rob me of more happiness and more of my life. Fibro has limited me enough, so why should I box myself in even further with such negativity? Why should I add to the damage it has already caused?

P...Perfectionist Purgatory: Park Your Nitpicking at the Door!

I am a horrible, horrible perfectionist. I love to nitpick and criticize even the smallest of flaws. But most people don’t even realize this because to others, I try my hardest to be caring, forgiving, and lenient with those around me. When it comes to myself, though, I am brutal. I get so angry and frustrated with myself when I make a mistake or can’t meet my standards, which at times, are insanely too high to reach. The worst part is since I now have a chronic illness, I must deal with even more limitations.

To preserve my sanity, I have been slowly retraining my thought processes and expectations. I still have quite a long way to go before I can willingly cut myself as much slack as do with others. Nevertheless, I am happy to see I am not as critical as they used to be. Essentially, it was either do away with the perfectionist or sink myself deeper and deeper into the abyss of fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia is a brutal condition that can create a dangerous cycle that spirals your health more and more out of control. The more you fight it and try to act normally, the more it drains your energy and your life. Only with moderation, understanding, and self-forgiveness can we break the cycle and start reclaiming our lives.

If you were recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia or another chronic illness, I encourage you to leave your inner perfectionist at the door. A chronic medical condition has no room for mentally and emotionally picking yourself apart. I know that old habits die hard, and it isn’t very easy to overcome the negativity. But when you are fighting a battle within yourself you must focus your strength and energy solely on lessening your condition’s hold on your life. With part of your mind constantly nitpicking, criticizing, and insisting that you are worthless, you’ll be fighting two battles: one with your chronic illness and the other with yourself. How far to you really think you will get if you fight against two enemies?