Tuesday, August 27, 2013

I Live in Constant Fear of Losing My Mind

I’m going to confess something to you today. I live in constant fear of losing my mind. No, I don’t question my sanity. Well, at least the vast majority of the time. I’m not concerned that I’ll snap and go postal one of these days. Oh, and I’m in no danger of losing touch with reality and trying to live a fantasy. I’m much too down to earth for that.

No, there is a constant fear hiding in the back of my mind that fibromyalgia is going to take over completely and my memory will be shot. Even now, my short-term memory is holding on by a thread. I forget to lock doors at night. I forget whether or not I already took my pills. I forget appointments. I forget phone numbers. I forget that I already told people the latest news. I forget recipes that I’ve known by heart for years. I forget usernames and passwords. I forget where I put things. I even forget momentarily where I am.

The list goes on and on in life with fibro fog. Sometimes, my memory lapses only last seconds. Sometimes memories come flooding back with a certain thought, sound, or action. Sometimes, though, the info that I’m searching for is lost forever. It can be an overwhelming and scary life to lead whenever your second biggest personal fear is losing your mind!

My latest mishap that occurred because of a memory lapse happened this morning. My fiance woke me up at 4:30 to tell me that all our cats were outside because they escaped through an opened window. Of course, as soon as he mentioned that open window, I remembered immediately that I was to blame. I had only planned on keeping the two screenless windows in the house open for a short time while I was in the room. It was hot in the house and I was overheated and miserable. A couple cracked windows was enough to keep me from melting into a puddle a goo.

I honestly had every intention of closing those windows. I love my furbabies, and I worry all the time about them getting out and eventually getting hurt. Outside is a scary place for a frightened cat that can’t find a way back in the house or that has no clue how to survive. Dangers lurk everywhere. I would never intentionally put my kitties at risk.

That is why my stomach is sick still with the thought that I put them in danger. No, it wasn’t intentional, but accidents do happen and then I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. I’m thanking God still that all my cats are back in the house safe and dry. Yet, I’m also kicking myself and worrying that something like this will happen again.

We are planning to get new screens for these two windows as soon as possible, but what are the chances that I do something else that inadvertently causes harm? The chances are pretty good with my memory’s track record. And that thought scares me!

I use Google calendar to send me reminders to my cell concerning every important thing I need to remember. That way if I forget I will still get it all finished. Well, it looks like I’ll be adding a lot more daily reminders, including checking all windows and doors. It is time consuming, but almost anything is worth it to win this war for my mind!


  1. Amanda,
    Your entry about fibro caught my attention as I was looking at a crochet blog by a Sandy-- I can't remember her last name but she donates it seems to homeless shelter--

    I just met her though a crochet blog of Sandie petit of crochet cabana--- but in short as I was looking at Sandy's blog of various groups I think she helps or belongs to-- I saw about fibro and tapped on it

    And it brought me to your blog-- you see I have fibro too- and became bedridden though mainly from brutal rape-- it very long story-

    But in short I have fibro belong to Dailystrength sight
    And I see some of the symptoms you mention,,I have too,,like the fibro fog,,,,I very afraid of that,,,I didn't know you called it that,,,,

    Well I wasn't sure but you explain your fear as I feel myself
    I live in NJ Amanda

    I belong to Facebook too,,,I getting tired of trying to type
    Would you like to b friend

    1. Frances, I'm sorry you have fibro, too, but I'm happy you stumbled upon my blog. I honestly think the violence and abuse during my life has helped fibromyalgia to take over my life. I, too, am a rape survivor, so I understand. I'd love to stay connected and get to know you better. If you'd like, you can add me on Facebook. Take care.

    2. Amanda,
      I just read your reply and yes I would like to be friends. I telling you in advance though I don't have good computer skills and I going to try to get you onto my Facebook. If I don't get you on in my first try I will keep trying...I having computer problems too but I will try hard... We seem to have much in common...rape which I still dealing with,,,fibro which is bothering me at present along with something else which I trying to accept at present and not exactly ready to talk about yet..
      Thank u for being my friend in advance. I also love cats..almost 2 yrs ago my last kitty ent to heaven. My former homemakers gave me a kitten a year ago on July 4 th. his name is Angel but is a little devil.
      I have a picture of him on my Facebook.
      Thank you Amanda
      Oh the blog I was referring to that brought me to your blog is a Sandy in Ohio..she seems to be in charge of making things for homeless of which I want to try crochet something...take care

    3. I message you on Facebook. I'm glad we connected on here. Hope you have a wonderful day!

  2. Oh, Amanda. Accidents happen, even to the best of us. I can't imagine what you deal with daily, but I'm always sending you lots of good vibes!

    1. Thanks, Deborah! I know, accidents happen to all of us. I'm just trying to convey to people who aren't familiar with fibromyalgia how difficult it is. People with fibro tend to have tons of accidents on a regular basis, and too many people assume we are simply lazy or negligent. We really do feel each and every accident that is our fault very deeply and wish we could prevent them!

  3. Thanks for sharing your story- and all of the ups and downs with those of us out here. I have a family member with fibro and it helps me to understand so much better. I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this but I love how you're helping others, even through your own pain.

    1. Thanks for stopping by, Lisa! I'm glad I helped you understand your family member a little better. It isn't always easy sharing my story. It can be pretty embarrassing and awkward, but I want to get it all out there so more people know that they aren't alone and so their family and friends can begin to understand what they deal with daily.